I may be a little hard-headed…

I’ve had more than my fair share of ‘come to Jesus’ meetings. Yet He still keeps calling me back.

I was born into the Christian faith, baptized as a child of Lutheran parents and did all the usual Lutheran things (Sunday School, pot lucks, Confirmation, acolyte service), etc.

I felt nothing during that time. Christianity was like school on Sundays. I don’t blame the church. They just didn’t reach me personally. I made no effort and saw nothing beyond what I was learning.

When I was going into senior high, my mom made the decision to try the local Baptist church. She had friends there and thought it might be good for her. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to say anything to the Lutheran pastor. I told him we were visiting another church and that was why I couldn’t serve the following Sunday (I’d arrived early to do my acolyte duties). He asked me to leave the church.

Now, I could’ve been a jerk and left them high and dry with no one to help, but in the midst of my tears, I found a friend (thank you, Kris) who hugged me and said she’d do it that day. I walked to my uncle’s apartment feeling completely lost.

I had a 3/4 mile walk to realize I didn’t know what I’d done wrong, but clearly I’d messed up for my family. Only really rotten people get told to leave a church. At least, that’s how my 15 year old brain thought. I was sure my parents, who hadn’t attended that church in years, but had wanted my brother and I to go, would be angry. Why wouldn’t they be?

I’d blown it.

Or had I? I told my mom word for word what happened. I knew she’d call the pastor, so I couldn’t lie. She’d find out. Our pastor told my mom that ‘I didn’t hear him correctly’. I’m not sure how “I think you should just leave” could be misconstrued, but I’m over it now. I wasn’t then. To be clear, I don’t hold this against any other pastor. He was human. He obviously felt hurt that a family who’d been attending since he’d started was considering leaving. I get that now. I didn’t then. All I felt was hurt and shame.

When we attended the other church, I was sure they’d know. They’d see some mark on me that made me unworthy. That wasn’t the case, though I will say that going from a pretty conservative Lutheran to a Baptist church where they sang both hymns and contemporary music… was a big change. Marlys on the organ was rocking. I didn’t even know the organ could do that. People raised their hands in worship. Pastor Dan’s (oddly enough, I have a Pastor Dan now, too) message was compelling, heartfelt, full of the WORD.

I soaked it in.

I’d never heard of a relationship with Jesus. Only rules. Memorization. Feeling like I couldn’t live up to human standards, much less God’s.

Soaking in the Word and knowing that a real relationship was possible was exactly what I needed to start actively living for Christ. 

I still know I don’t measure up, but by God’s GRACE I am made whole. Without that move, without that man telling me to move on, I don’t think I’d be the author I am today. God took what hurt me deeply and made it a testimony. God took what was stagnant inside me and made it verdant plain. I wake up now ready to pick up my Bible and get my time with God in. I crave it.

I don’t minimize church hurt. It’s very much there. We are all humans with feelings and can be judgy and reactionary. If I’d dwelled in that hurt, I wouldn’t be here. It took a long time though. Even as I reaffirmed my life in Christ with an adult baptism shortly after joining the Baptist church, I strayed after going to college. My path wasn’t straight. At all.

Thank God He gives us unlimited chances. Seventy times seven isn’t just how we should deal with forgiveness, He does the same. Except when He reaches 490, the count starts back at 1.

Love you dearly, my friend in Christ. If you have any questions or want to know more, please don’t hesitate to reach out. There’s a ‘contact’ link below.